We all have Core Values and they come in two forms, first those things in life which are important to us and when we prioritise them they bring fulfilment and happiness into our lives, such as family, health, or education for example. Then there are character values which guide how we live our lives, the standards we hold ourselves to, such as honesty and integrity, and if we stay aligned with these values we will have abundant peace-of-mind. When we are unhappy and do not have peace-of-mind then generally, we have been compromising our core values and prioritising something else in our lives. These core values are the guiding lights that help us make our best decisions.
The question is why don’t we? What gets in the way of prioritising these precious assets? And what do we sacrifice them for instead?
If you have never done a values exercise to clarify your top five core values here is a link to my quick values exercise, “link, see below…”
You may have found that the exercise was more challenging than you expected, and I would also like you to notice that your definition of each of your core values might be vastly different from someone else’s definition of the same value. For example, one person may define Love as ‘Receiving deep affection and caring from another human being’. Another person may define Love as ‘Giving to humanity in service and material support.’
In this blog I want to focus on how we self-sabotage our values and end up living according to another set of ‘values’ that lead us away from happiness and peace-of-mind.
As with most of my theories it comes down to which state your nervous system is in when you make your decisions. If you are in survival mode, in fight and flight, you will be prioritising protecting yourself, mitigating threats, and feeling safe. If you are calm and in rest and repair state, then it is easy to prioritize your values. It is in this state that you have access to the innate wisdom and intelligence of your authentic Self.
In survival mode our Ego dominates our decisions, and the Ego’s values are all about protection and soothing, for example, the Ego prioritizes things like safety, security, status, control, power. You will see this in people’s lives by the behaviours that make them feel soothed, safe, or in control, like under-exercising or over-exercising, accumulating material possessions, overeating, overworking, addictions and perfectionism to name a few. Suddenly these become far more important than your real values and your Ego will find a way to justify the behaviour so that it sounds perfectly reasonable.
If we have sacrificed our health through lack of Self-care, your justification might sound like, “I don’t have time to exercise, cook healthy food, sleep 8 hours,…”, but what was more important at the time? Maybe you felt overwhelmed at work and chose to be soothed by channel surfing on TV or gaming to block out the stressful emotions.
If we have sacrificed our Peace-of-mind through busyness, no time for rest, piling more and more on our plate, “I need to keep going, I don’t have time or money for resting, recreation, reading quietly, growing myself….” How was this more important than developing peace in your life? Sometimes, when we don’t feel safe or secure we are driven to stockpile wealth, or own a bigger, safer house, or feel like we are working as hard as we can to create more wealth and security.
If we have sacrificed our relationships with family and friends, who or what was more important at the time? What distracted us and stole us away from these fulfilling and enriching assets? Was it money, security, a bigger life, status, the quest for more? Because those are the Synthetic Values of an Ego who feels ‘less than’ and ‘under threat’ and is trying to compensate with external, material things for their inadequacy. When you are in survival mode and feeling under threat of some scarcity or another there is no way you are going to be comfortable attending a family function and connecting with your spouse and kids, you will rather be drawn towards working harder or some other activity that makes you feel like you are in control of your perceived lack.
When we are feeling safe and good about ourselves then it is easy to choose our core values in life. Rather than asking, ‘How can I build more willpower to enable myself to behave like a better partner, parent, friend?’. The better questions to ask yourself are, ‘Why am I feeling threatened and needing to protect myself?’, And, ‘What can I do to feel safe and at ease in my life, so I can make healthy and fulfilling decisions for my life and family?’ This is where stress and burnout coaching makes all the difference.